Why Strong Relationships Still Benefit from Couples Therapy
Couples therapy can be helpful for everyone.
We can all get lost along the way in our busy, fast-paced, overwhelming lives, where time for each other is the first to go.
Relating is not just spending time together. It’s understanding each other’s internal map.
Along the way, it’s easy to get lost and forget that our partner interprets the world in a very different way from us. If we don’t keep getting updates, then we will start missing each other.
Over time, many missed moments accumulate to build resentment and anger over unmet needs, of being misunderstood, and feeling alone and unappreciated.
It’s a cycle that can spin out of control over time, and if left for too long, can be very difficult to repair.
This is why couples therapy is beneficial for everyone, and prevention is often better than trying to fix something that’s already broken.
Additionally, progress is most effective when goodwill and a positive balance remain in your emotional bank account.
Shifting the Stigma: From Last Resort to First Step
Couples therapy is usually most effective the sooner you start the process. The longer your cycle or patterns have gone on, the harder they become to break.
This does not mean that couples therapy is not beneficial for couples who have been struggling for a while.
It means that couples therapy should be like a regular check-up, rather than a crisis intervention.
Especially men tend only to seek couples therapy when their relationship is at the end, and so the notion that we need couples therapy when we are in trouble is not helpful.
It’s when we have a positive perception and anticipation of each other that change can happen easily, and we have a flexible relationship.
So if you are looking for couples therapy, don’t wait. It does not improve on its own, and being stuck is a real issue.
Learning to Communicate Before the Arguments Escalate
Once escalation has happened, it can be hard to interrupt it. This is why, in couples therapy, you will learn how to interrupt the usual pattern and communicate in a way that elicits your partner’s empathy instead of their fear response.
There are small moments where we can slow things down in couples therapy and open up new possibilities.
There are simple and predictable patterns that move you into connection instead of disconnection.
A skilled couples therapist will model them for you and help you practise them in couples therapy so you get experience and confidence in doing this.
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Building Emotional Intimacy and Trust
Emotional intimacy is knowing each other’s internal map and being able to share it in a way that ignites empathy.
Couples therapy helps you understand your own inner world and how to communicate that to your partner.
Before long, you will know each other better and understand one another.
Your partner’s map consists of 3 elements
- How do they make meaning of the world around them? You might be late and they interpret that as “you don’t care about me”, or you say “can I spend the weekend with my friends”, and your partner hears “everyone else is more important than me”. These are our internal narratives that we project onto the current moment to make sense of what is happening. The models are based on old experiences, so they are often not accurate. This is why, if you are only responding to action and miss their internal meaning-making, then you will misunderstand each other.
- The second part of emotions. Emotions are the glue of relationships, and so if we don’t follow each other’s emotional world, then it becomes hard to feel connected.
- The last part is sensations and how our body feels.
Intimacy is knowing each other’s map and feeling understood and supported. This is not the same as agreeing.
Couples Therapy & Preventive Care for Your Relationship
Couples therapy is more frequently what people seek out when they have been in pain for a while.
There are things you can do to prevent getting into trouble. Here are a few
- Prioritise each other. Our romantic partner often ends up getting the last of our energy and time after a busy day. Kids, work, and the never-ending demands mean that we tend to be exhausted once we get time for our partner. If we want a happy partnership, then we have to prioritise our partner. In conflict, protect them. In distress, come to their aid. Say no to more so you have time for each other. If you spend 15 minutes a day on your business when you are tired, your business will fail. Your relationship is no different.
- Appreciate each other. As we ge† stuck in painful cycles, we quickly forget to appreciate each other. Add that to our brain’s natural bias, and it’s clear why it’s so easy to notice the annoying parts and ignore all the effort your partner is putting into the relationship or family. Pay attention to what they are doing and share your appreciation. A car can’t drive without fuel, and a relationship can’t run smoothly without appreciation.
- Regular check-ins. We talked about the internal map above. Without it, you have no idea where your partner is, so you have little chance of responding to their needs and of them feeling understood. Our state changes frequently, so check in often.
- Seek to understand, not be right. Getting stuck in trying to be right aligns with the old saying, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” because you can’t be both. Getting your partner to feel wrong is pushing your map of the world onto them and saying “this is the correct map”, and that does not leave space for mutual understanding and hence connection.
How Couples Therapy Strengthens Love in Everyday Life
Emotionally focused couples therapy is the most successful method according to research, which is why I chose that as my model for working with couples.
Once we identify the pattern in couples therapy, we can interrupt it and initiate a new cycle of mutual understanding and support, which fosters connection.
It does take some vulnerability, empathy and goodwill, but with the safety that couples therapy can provide, it tends to improve quickly.
Finding Support at Any Stage of Your Relationship
While it’s helpful to come as early as possible to prevent resentment from creeping in and to establish some goodwill, it’s not too late as long as both partners are invested and want it to work, and still care for each other.
If you are struggling, couples therapy might be what you need. You can book a free video consultation here.