Great sex is not simply a physical act. Even in the most causal encounter emotions are involved.
This does not mean you can’t have great sex without feeling close or attached to your partner.
It simply means that you want to feel something, and if you can figure out what that something is, you are guaranteed to have much greater sex.
Emotional enhancers are emotions that make us more turned on and increase our desire.
It’s important to note that these emotional enhancers only work if we see value in the other person.
As humans we desire closeness and it’s the separation and inability to get closeness that can spike desire.
I know it can sound very counter intuitive.
Anxiety can turn off our sexual response if it’s overwhelming however it can also enhance desire.
It’s the balance between safety and danger that we find so exciting, but if anxiety becomes too intense it can decrease desire.
What we are aiming for is small levels of anxiety within safety… that is desirable and sexy.
Anxiety of getting caught is a common theme that adds sexual tension to the experience for many people.
It’s important however that anxiety and arousal build together.
If anxiety arrives to early, like from a stressful day, then it will often dampen desire.
The biggest myth of all is that when we lose sexual desire in long term relationships because a lack of closeness.
It’s actually the very opposite.
As we become more familiar, desire is often decreased.
This explains why relationships tend to be full of desire in the beginning and eventually dry up.
Too much closeness means we grow accustomed to each other.
We become too comfortable.
This is not the place where sexual tension and desire flourish.
In many cases, some of the closest relationships are completely absent of passion.
Closeness do not equal passion and desire.
The first step is to acknowledge this and accept that they are not one and the same.
They are two completely separate experiences.
For sexual desire to flourish some distance is important, and also to be able to explore something new about your partner or see them in a new context.
Remember when you first started dating it was new, unpredictable.
Does she want to be with you?
How will it be to kiss her?
Will she call me back?
Does she like me?
So much uncertainty and anticipation.
Hedonic adaptation means our brain respond less to what’s familiar, so we want to create some mystery, time apart and uncertainty on purpose.
This is critical to maintaining sexual tension and desire.
This is why moments of closeness combined with moments of separation and longing are important to experience both the intimacy and strong sexual desire in long term relationships.
Also, as relationships progress the focus often changes from exploring each other to other areas like kids, a house, work and less focus and energy is put in to each other.
Less dates, less new experience, less time to connect and so on and so forth…
This creates comfort but can kill desire.
It’s so common in relationships that comfort and safety of familiarity take centre stage, and individual expression get suppressed.
This will again dampen desire.
To rediscover sexual desire, it’s important that you focus both on your individual needs and interests and try new things.
A level of uncertainty is essential for attraction and desire.
So not knowing everything about your partner and allowing them space to explore their own interests and an opportunity to be new to you again.
I hear so many couples tell me.
But sex should happen spontaneous.
Sex was never spontaneous when you first started dating.
You planned the date, set a time and location.
You spend time thinking about it building anticipation.
It was new, uncertain and unpredictable.
This was what made it exciting in the first place but it did not just happen.
Did you think of what to do, where to go, when to do it?
Did you plan a time and date?
Did you spend time getting ready?
See it was planned but somehow as we get in to a relationship we believe it should just happen.
Actually, in a relationship it takes even more effort to keep that spark alive.