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How to fix a relationship – Needs and Intimacy

Today I want to talk about how to fix a relationship.

If you really want to fix your relationship then step 1 is learning to sense and express our needs clearly.  

Why is it so important to know our needs?

Well firstly knowing your needs is the only want to get what you need.

If you don’t know when you are hungry then your partner will have no idea when to cook that nice meal for you.

The more you are aware of your needs the more clearly express and the more likely your partner can meet your needs and you can have what you want.

The less clear you are the more likely it is you don’t get what you need and that will likely create resentment in your relationship.

And resentment is a killer of intimacy, desire and eventually most relationships.

So, to fix a relationship we must learn to become clear about the individual needs.

Many of us, more women than men are raised to priorities others needs over their own and be the “good girl” that make others feel good.

This has resulted in many of us not being in touch with our own needs and finding it hard to express them.

We are often shamed for our needs as children.

We often got dismissed or told off for our needs as children or they might have been ignored all together, teaching us that our needs are not important.

So, we stop paying attention to them, supress them or just don’t express them at all.

This result in many adults that simply don’t know what their needs are as they have lost touch with that part of themselves.

Others know their needs but don’t express them out of shame.

They might feel their needs are not ok or they feel their needs are a burden on others etc.

Simply put, if we can’t sense our own needs and express them clearly, we are unlikely to get what we want both in the relationship and sexually.

Going for long periods of times and supressing our needs, or not having our needs meet at all will likely lead to resentment.

Resentment will also slam a break on desire pretty quick.

We will talk more about resentment under boundaries. 

Many people are raised with the idea that they have to “take care” of other’s or be “pleasers”.

This often results in suppression of their own needs as they don’t want to burden others, and instead feel they should accommodate other’s needs.

I am not saying we should not be considerate towards other’s needs, however if it’s at the expense of our own is not the solution.

Obligations, leads to resentment and obligation sex is a sure-fire way to kill desire.

We can instead teach our children to notice and express their own needs but also that they can’t always have what they want in the moment.

It’s a delicate balance.

We must still value and acknowledge their needs and support them to express them.

The first we need to learn to sense our own needs and then we can learn how to express them clearly.

What’s important when you learn to express your needs is that you also understand that other people can’t always fulfil our needs.

It might cross their boundaries or not be something they have energy or capacity to give us.

Disappointment is a natural part of any relationship and the process of learning to express our needs.

What’s often not discussed about disappointment is that it’s a great opportunity to create more closeness.

If rather than moving apart you sit and listen to each other’s disappointment, show empathy, acceptance and understanding then it can actually bring you a lot closer.

Often what we want the most is being heard and seen by our partner.

If you want the exercises, I created teaching you how to sense and express you needs, and deal with disappointment and needs that trigger your partner then you can find them in my eBook.

That’s it for now.

Have fun and see you son.